A journey with my son

[Lotusflower70]

Since his hospitalization yesterday, I am learning more about what it's like to be on the other side. What it's like to lean on others and receive advice. I help people in this situation for a living but it's a whole different story when it's your own. The professional goes out the window and the parent and advocate take center court. I have to express immense gratitude to my son's neurologist. She told him if he ever had a plan to call her office. And he did that. I am so damn proud of him. That took guts. And I am so thankful to her for being there. I let go of the why didn't he come to me. That doesn't matter. He had someone there for him and he is still here, that is what matters.

Then I had to learn and still learn to navigate giving him space while supporting and encouraging him. Asking myself so many questions? Do I visit? Do I talk to him? Last night, I didn't get either option and I had to be ok with that. Well it sucked ginormous ass honestly but I respected his wishes. He was exhausted and adjusting but he was safe so I held on to that. Today, I talked to him a bit twice. The first time, I let him know I love and support him and I am proud he asked for help. I said we will do whatever it takes. The second time, they were watching Harry Potter so we talked about that. It brings back memories of simpler times but it was less overwhelming for both of us I think. And we talked sports because hockey and basketball playoffs are going on now. Maybe next time we will talk Avengers, Deadpool and Thai food.

You feel like you are walking on eggshells or through an emotional minefield. Sometimes you doubt and second guess what you say. Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? But you do the best you can with what you've got. I am trying not to be hypersensitive and take things personally. It's not about me. I try not to blame myself but it's so damn hard not to at times. But I know he is getting care I can't provide. There are needs he has that I have to let go of and turn over to others. Easier said than done but still needs to be done.

So I write. I purge myself of full range of emotions that are oozing out of every pore of my body. And I regenerate my depleted energy level or try to. I crashed from the adrenaline surge and I came down hard. And I have been going up and down ever since. I told him to call if he needs anything or if he wants to talk. I want to see him but I left the visit in his court plus they just started watching Harry Potter so I left him to it. I figured that would be the way to go.

But I put this out to the universe and to my almighty creator. I believe in miracles and I believe in signs. I believe it will get better. I know that it will continue to be a challenge and a struggle but I hold on to hope. I hold on to all the love and support I have received and take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I have to stay strong and keep fighting. I have to believe he will come out the other side because he deserves the best. He deserves his health and happiness and I am going to do whatever it takes to help him. Failure is not on option.