Not caring what people think vs impressing them

[hunter]

6. I never know if someone is going to hug me or punch me in the face.

I gave up trying to know a long time ago.

That's not the same as "not caring" what people think. Most people are quite happy to tell you what they think, especially if you ask them nicely and then listen sincerely. You can still "care what people think" and decide later if you want to incorporate their thoughts into your own life story or not.

My wife is really good at signaling me when I'm making an ass of myself in public (a sharp kick in the shin will do) but mostly I cope by not talking. Of course then I'm "non-communicative" or something.

In middle and high school I was frequently the target of bullies. Therefore I tried to be invisible. That didn't always work so I quit high school.

In my second year of college I made an effort to be outspoken. That didn't work out any better than invisibility; I was "asked" to take time outs from college twice for all the trouble that caused.

The first time I was asked to take time off was for fighting with a teaching assistant. (Okay, mostly for that. There were other reasons as well.) I recall I was pretty calm in that argument, but he was yelling at me, and then he was throwing things at me, and an overhead projector got broken...

My next stab at college didn't turn out any better. Two strikes. The only reason I was accepted back to college for a third try was by the kindness of a geology professor who thought I still had some potential in spite of my glaring flaws.

I did manage to graduate. It only took nine years, but one of the things I'm still ashamed of is how many senior thesis advisers I burned through.

My parents had a rough time with me, my mentors had rough times with me, my wife has had rough times with me, mental health professionals have had rough times with me. I'm not proud of it.

I don't think most people have to try very hard to be likable. Most people are inherently good natured and likable, even those you might have caught at a bad moment. (And most likable people are not sociopaths trying to get on your good side for nefarious reasons. Paranoia is something I have trouble with, especially "off my meds..." )

Dealing in a positive way with the aspects of yourself that make you unlikable is the hard part of this journey, especially if you are obsessive (like me) and start hammering on yourself for all the unlikable things you've ever done; forging all this toxic metal into nightmares and chains that hold you back.

You can't really walk away from it, it's part of you, so it's not so simple as "forgiving yourself," or worse, some kind of religious confession and absolution. At least that's how it is for me. If I ever went down that rabbit hole I might blame myself for my insufficient faith and feel even worse...

Mostly I tell stories of my misadventures. They don't have to be great stories, they just help me work things out in my own mind.

I also do visual arts, mixes of paint and photography, but that shit often scares me. Hello inner demons! My parents are artists. Their art has some kind of positive impact on people. My art frequently looks like I created it while locked up in psych ward. (I've actually done some art in a locked psych ward...)

So maybe it's good to examine your misadventures and figure our how you might be a more likable person next time in similar situations, but not after waking up from a nightmare at two o'clock in the morning and obsessing until dawn.

I take psych meds to avoid that two o'clock in the morning nightmares. I hope you find a path that works for you. Poetry and poets, especially Juan Felipe Herrera, could be just what you need, but don't take my word for it! This is your thread. Feel free to kick me in the shins if I'm being an ass. I'm used to it.