Well, what I have wished for, for more than a year is finally here. And I'm so not ready for this.

[Glamrock]

For those that don’t know me my mom has Parkinson’s and Lewy body dementia. Parkinson’s is treatable to a point. Lewy body is fucking horrific. Aggressive, fast moving, and a sin against humanity. It’s brutal. And she was diagnosed at the end of ‘20. I was staying a week at a time at her house, and my angel of an aunt was doing the other. However she’s legally blind. She can still see but not all that well, obviously. But she’s an ex surgical nurse so a great resource. But one day I came to relieve her, gave my mom her meds and she was pouring toilet bowl cleaner into a Dixie cup to wash it down. I caught it. But it became evident that my aunt couldn’t fill the position, regardless of how much she wanted to. So I moved her in with me n Mrs. Glam. No problem, no complaints. But 6 months in I had to move her to my just finished office with the attached bathroom on the first floor as the stairs to get up to her room were becoming dangerous. And that’s fine! No complaints, not bitching. Just explaining. That’s it.

Eight months later, I found her face down on the floor. And I had been kinda stomping around, making noise before I brought her meds (she sleeps like a brick so stomping around to get her out of deep sleep, yeah?) And she was awake, and soiled. But never yelled out for help or called my name. And that was when it became evident that I had to put her in a facility. Her biggest fear. And I beat myself up pretty good about it. But it had to be done.

This fucking disease, man. This fucking disease. For the last year, year and a half, I’ve wished death on her. Not proud of that. Not ashamed of it because it would be a mercy for her! I got my wish. She came down with Covid two weeks ago. And as of Friday, she has stopped taking food and water. So apparently, be careful what you wish for. I’m staying at said facility because I can’t let her go alone. Still mercy as far as I’m concerned. But now that it’s happening….im not ready. I’m not prepared. I can’t let her go even though she’s uncommunicative and doesn’t know who I am. I feel like a piece of shit even though I know how my wishes were to her benefit. She wouldn’t want to live like this!

But damn, man. This is rough. And we all go through the passing of our parents. But goddamn! I’m not ready for this at all. Gotta tell ya, as an atheist, I looked at the sky tonight and cursed her god to his face for putting her through this.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and it sucks. But I’ll be goddamned if she’ll go alone. But fuck me, this is brutal.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Glam