Sudden death of my brother, 2 months after my father died of pancreatic cancer

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

49. Hey Fla, I appreciate your percpetion.

I know that in a lot of ways I am privileged and fortunate and many people have endured far, far worse things than I have. Nevertheless, I have struggles mightily, even if maybe some others would have been more able to handle my circumstances. I was always the black sheep and took a lot of abuse for being different.

You may be right, but I have a feeling my brother being gone and them talking about him now as if he were the greatest man to ever live, is going to make my sisters turn against me even more. And I'm still not able to trust them after what I see as a serious betrayal, especially after my many years of supporting them through difficulties, often of their own making.

I did just write a little about mom (post #35), in rely to Chainfire (post #22.) That's complicated, too.

I worked hard in therapy for years just to be able spend time with my parents. Both were very difficult in their own ways. And, both had their good points. The main thing, which should be obvious, but is hard to accept and have it help, was that they did the best they could with what they had.

By the way, I forgot to mention that a couple of weeks before my father died, my mom's only sister died. And the day of my brother's funeral, mom fell in the tub and broke a few ribs. She didn't know it until tonight when the pain got bad and my sister who is staying there this week took her to the hospital. She's home now and will be fine, physically, once the ribs heal, I guess.

I'm not generally superstitious and not at all religious, but I am paranoid now wondering what awful thing will happen next. My husband had a colonoscopy on the day of my brother's funeral. I was so worried he wouldn't come out of the anesthesia.

When I had the breakdown last year after Ireland, all of the things that had helped keep me relatively stable fell away. Meditation, yoga, walking, aerobic exercise, gardening, etc. My therapist just reminded me, not that I didn't know it myself, that if I'm going to go on living and if I want to make my life less miserable, I have to find a way to get back to doing those things. I'm working on it.