You say so much in your writings. You are so genuine and heartfelt, this one made me cry.
I’ve lost a lot of people in my life but not a spouse. That is a pain I can’t imagine. Grief is a tough emotion and it is proportional to the amount of love you felt. You loved her greatly.
One of my brothers died as a result of AIDs. It was a direct result of the inaction of the Reagan administration. Like Covid, it could have and should have been addressed. Don’t even get me started on the hypocrisy of evangelical bullshit. Having someone say “he deserved to die” at the funeral luncheon, after home, had me charged up like the lightening bolt that hit my mom’s house that night.
The things you say about Jesus and Christian s ring true. I think they got a lot of that shit wrong. The things Jesus said were true, I think, but I think the religionists missed the point. That said, I think your wife knows. I think she knows your love and amends.
As for hell, I’m sorry man but you’ve been living that now. Forgive yourself my friend, and know you are loved. You are loved in this world and the next. 
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