Our situation is so very different... but I feel for you. We lived with an uncle (about 10 years older than me) who had german measles as a young child and was left mentally deficient. When the institutions closed down during Reagan's realm, he was sent home after being kicked out of a halfway house for being unmanageable and violent. His body grew, but he had the mental capacity of about an 8 year old, maybe. And everything was immediate gratification. My mother grew up in this environment and was emotionally stunted and harmed for the rest of her life, and the harm was passed down the generations through us, her children... both directly and indirectly.
At one point during all this, he "discovered" sex and thought he'd try it out on me. I was about 11 years old. I fought him off, and told my grandmother what happened. She convinced me to keep it a secret and she'd talk to him and keep him from doing anything like that again. To this day, I've never told anyone (except here, now).
When he was finally accepted into a group home when he was in his late 30's, what he couldn't grab of my late great-grandfather's, he smashed. This was furniture, etc., that my great grandfather had made and was very special to us. Luckily, I had managed to get hold of a few things like the grandfather's clock he made and the hope chest he'd made me when I was still a baby. But other irreplaceable items were smashed to bits. My grandma was beside herself, my mom was in tears of grief and anger. And my uncle seemed quite pleased with himself. He announced to everyone he was getting married (!).
My mom is in a memory care home today. I hate it. I have two chronic illnesses that keep me from being able to care for her, and the pent up anger and violence from those early days comes too easily to her in her dementia. I can't cope with it, and she needs professional care, no matter how much I wanted her to spend her last days with me.
I have a supportive family. My sister and I are united around our mom. Sis is too young to know much of anything about our uncle. Brother doesn't really understand or care. He lives in his own world. Interestingly enough, he is the only Republican in the family (LOL). Kinda fits, doesn't it? But he doesn't make noise about anything we two sisters plan, as long as we keep him in the loop. But for me, the psychologist in the family, it's hard not to see the dynamics of those early days still playing out in these, the latter days of my mom and how they still impact our family.
My heart goes out to you. Family is not easy. We can choose our friends, but not our family. May the Universe give you the love, grace and strength to handle that with which you are presented, my friend. And may your daughter come to realize who truly has had her heart and back this whole time. But do realize righteous hitlers are hard to overcome. We have had them in our family, too, in the manner of baptist preachers. So I do know of what I speak. But I also know their influence CAN be seen through, eventually. Hang in there... but always remember to be good to yourself!
= new reply since forum marked as read