4. Stop Staying Silent
Up until recently, I had a male partner who worked the overnight shift in logistics at a furniture store. Essentially, this means that he’d get up at 2:00 in the morning (waking me up in the process, of course), and then go spend eight hours in a warehouse, restocking shelves with the incoming inventory.
And he had one asshole of a co-worker.
This guy would ask my then-partner at least weekly questions like “What do you think of the new girl?” and, when female co-workers passed, “Would you hit that?”
And he complained to me about it all the time.
“You should say something,” I would always answer. “Just tell him that this makes you uncomfortable.”
Or, I would suggest, talk to a manager about it since it constitutes workplace sexual harassment, which is entirely illegal.
Incredibly shy by nature and averse to confrontation, I don’t think that he ever did speak up. But I wish he would have. Because now this guy is going around thinking that that’s just how men talk to one another – and I’m sure that many others engage with him on this level, further solidifying his socialization.
And now, listen.
Yes. I’ve read Michael Kimmel’s Guyland (and if you haven’t, you should). I understand the concept of the culture of silence that shrouds men’s experiences, making it difficult for them to speak openly about their own emotions or, worse still, point out when other guys are doing something wrong (it goes against the Bro Code, I hear).
But here’s the thing: If your friend says something screwed up, say something.
Because he clearly needs to hear it, and he needs to hear it from you.
I know that women are probably (hopefully) calling him out, but that’s the nature of oppression my friend: A person in power (like a man) isn’t as likely to listen to a person not-in-power (like a woman) as he would be to someone he perceives to be more “on his level” (like another man).
And there’s even educational theory to back this up: Self-efficacy includes a tenet about the value of seeing people who look like you doing the thing you’re needing to learn to do. It makes you think, “Oh. If they can do it, then maybe I can do it.”
Be that guy.
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