I am asking for a bit of support today.

[TM99]

As many of you well know, I am a non-believer, 'atheist' if you will, and am not a part of any organized religious groups even though I practice many Buddhist teachings and have been involved with my ancestral Ocha traditions here locally.

One thing I do value in religion is the community support in times of both great joy and great sadness. Today I am struggling with mortality. My father is in his late 80's. He has had heart problems for decades now. I know the reality of his death is coming sooner rather than later.

After Christmas, he got the flu despite receiving this year's vaccine. He suffered through it only to end up with bronchitis. The day before New Year's Eve, he went to his new PCP. With all of the changes in medicare and the ACA, he had to leave a practice with MD's that worked with him for well over 15 years. This new MD listened to his lungs and said you will be fine and sent him home. The next day he went into the ER unable to breath. He spent New Year's there and was discharged Saturday. Today I received a call that he is back in the ER and soon to the ICU. My sisters and mother are certain that this is his time. I am not but that is another story.

His cardiologist said he should not have been released, of course. He is finally now on antibiotics as he has developed pneumonia, of course. He has internal bleeding and is receiving blood transfusions and is of course on oxygen. I can not just pick up and fly across the country to be with my family at this time due to my own work and health concerns. I feel a mixture of anxiety, guilt, and deep sadness. No matter how much I know the reality of death is ever present, I still can not yet wrap my mind around losing my father.

He has been such an important role model in my life. He was born a bi-racial marriage and in the 1960's married my white mother in the south. They marched for civil rights together and have been very active in their church for decades especially with regards to LGBT civil rights as my youngest sister is lesbian.

I feel that this is not the time, and I can not know that for sure. If they can find the source of the internal bleeding and stop it, he is strong willed and can recuperate - this time. And there are so many variables that I can't see or predict from more medical incompetence to just a body too old and frail to fight off death any longer.

I am posting here for a kind word and some support from many who I have never met yet feel some intimate connection with.

Thank you for listening.