"Women are expected to work like they have no children and parent like they have no job."

[Moostache]

53. My wife and I just passed 30 years of marriage in March of this year...

Those are not 30 uninterrupted years of total bliss and harmony. We have raised 5 children during that span and my wife has borne an incredible amount of the burden for transporting them around town and making appointments because of her ability to work from home and my need to be onsite at a remote facility 30 miles away everyday.

We discussed things like moving years ago - to allow me to share the burden - it is simply not feasible for me to leave work, drive for 40 minutes one way, drop the kids off at practice or a friend's house or an activity like band or theater and then drive back to work another 40 minutes only to turn around and do it again in a few hours time. In emergency situations, I never have had to be uninvolved or absent, but on the routine or day-to-day I have been absent more than would be fair... However, she and I agreed to stay in our house rather than move. I had also entertained other jobs and even a career reset and cross-country move...but in EVERY case we discussed these options and LISTENED to each other and agreed to do the thing that was the most important to our marriage - put the well-being of the kids above ourselves or our personal wishes or at a bare minimum on equal footing as a consideration. I turned down lucrative opportunities elsewhere to stay in a stable situation at the cost of personal advancement - but I got a lifetime of memories and 5 college graduate children with 3 of them now entertaining marriages of their own. They have come to me and my wife to ask us how we did it. How did we manage to stay together and to raise the kids and NOT have any of them hate us or resent us or wish they were someone else's kids. My wife sacrificed HOURS of her time every week, but we got to stay in the home we own and that we brought each our children home from the hospital to, the house that became the family home and a history of memories. We gave up on spur of the moment trips to the tropics, but we had the family intact and experiencing life together for most of the last 27 years now. It was a good trade off for us, but it was also never left undiscussed or assumed.

In the end, it is ALWAYS the same story in marriage and in life - you have to WANT it to make it happen AND you have to WORK at it to keep it going. That's it. Honestly. My son, who is engaged to his long time girlfriend and planning a 2027 wedding now, pulled me aside and said "come on Pops... it can't be just that." And I told him with absolutely no wavering, "son, that is really "it"... there's no other secret I can give you". That is because there is no other 'secret sauce' or formula, no 'magic bulle't or 'easy button'. A loving marriage after three decades does not happen without hard work on both ends and mutual respect and communication and a ton of sacrifice on both ends.

Above all else, 100% honesty with one's self and one's spouse is the bare minimum entry requirement. Lies and untruths are the equivalent of smoking to a marriage - they may not kill you at once, and you may even be lucky to manage to avoid the consequences entirely for years, but you gamble with the health of your relationship with every lie, omission or down right deception. And if you persist, it very well could end up killing the relationship and costing you everything.

It's my opinion that many people get married with the thought in the back of their mind that if everything is NOT fairy tale perfect forever, with no effort, that they will head to divorce court and take the exit ramp (and that is NOT to imply there are no legitimate or even mandatory situations where divorce is the only solution, because there are in spades). When I decided more than 3 decades ago to propose to my wife, I did so with a clarity in my mind that was very strange to my 24-year old self, I knew into the depths of my soul that this was what I wanted and what I was willing to move heaven and Earth to keep. I entered the church the day of our wedding with an eerie calm and resolute in my heart that I was burning the boats and committing to us that day with no other options, period.

My parents were married for 52 years before my mother passed in 2020. They certainly had some fights while I was growing up that I remember to this day, but they managed to fight through their problems and stayed together, really depending on each other into their retirement years to an extent that became hyper clear to us all when we lost Mom. My dad was never the same after that until his passing earlier this year. He was lost without her and it showed, painfully, for all of us over the last few years.

My wife's parent divorced when she was 10 after a tumultuous marriage marked by infidelity and fighting before divorcing. There was legitimate concern before our wedding that my wife's birth mother and step-mother might actually throw hands at the wedding due to the enmity between them. Thankfully that did not happen! We entered our marriage from 180-degree opposite experiences around marriage, but we both knew we were committed to each other and to making our marriage the center of our family and the central pivot of our lives.

In 30 years, we have had innumerable fights and bickers and arguments. I have made waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than my share of bone-headed decisions and mistakes (probably enough for both of us combined if I am fair). But we are still together and facing the new phase of life as our children are entering adulthood and leaving the house to go on their own (I hope...eventually? LOL) I was a little worried about that as I reflect on our time together and just how fast and how long it feels at the same time... but I have faith in one thing above all else on this planet, and that is in the support of my wife and the primacy of our family to both of us.

And in the end, I hold onto the belief that her and I against the world has worked for 30 years and I hope it lasts for 30 more (even though I fear my time on this moist pebble will not extend that far...but my love for my wife and our family will live on long beyond my physical form). In the end, that is enough so far. That is success in my mind and my life. And no one can take that away without a fight they would not be prepared for! I may falter and fail in the future, as I have in the past...but I remain committed to making this work and when I do step out of line or forget that momentarily because I get in my feels about some perceived sleight or argument, I remind myself that if we went strictly on mass balance, I owe my wife an unpayable debt from jump street!